For many couples there is nothing that dampens love and ardor more than the subject of finances. In fact, study after study shows that money problems are the single biggest cause of relationship stress and divorce – with sex and raising kids rounding out the big three. But does money always have to represent tension and friction between your partner and yourself? Perhaps there are some practical things we can do to diffuse some of that money stress and make this winter a little more cozy and romantic. Hey, I’m married too, so this topic is important to me as well!

I’ve been working with women and couples for many years now and there are certain techniques and principles that I’ve found that are time-tested and proven to assist relationships when it comes to the touchy subject of “money”. Maybe this autumn and winter will be a good time to put some of those techniques and principles into practice. I’m glad to be reminded of them too.

First of all, let’s acknowledge that when it comes to money we are talking about a complex range of issues many of them shaped by family and social attitudes that were likely formed long before we even met our partners. These range from spending and savings habits, need for security, risk tolerance, attitudes around debt, planning for the future, and so on. These approaches to money – both positive and negative – are then modified once again with every change in our financial circumstances, and with age, children, career changes, the current economic climate, health, approaching retirement, and the numerous other setbacks or opportunities that life throws our way – or delivers to us.

Given the complexity of issues — and the wide range of emotions that accompany the whole package — it is no wonder that we are dealing with a potentially explosive topic. Dealt with properly, however there are also great opportunities here for strengthening your partnership and fulfilling your mutual dreams and goals.

So where do we start? Simple! Step One: talk, talk, talk. Step Two: listen, listen, listen. Easy enough, right? Well, OK, maybe not. So let’s elaborate a bit so we can put those two simple action steps into something more concrete and workable in your real life situation. I call this my “6 Steps to Financial Bliss for Couples”. It has proved useful to me personally and I think you will find it helpful too.

6 Steps to Financial Bliss for Couples

1. Start talking about what is important: The most likely reason couples fight about money is that they haven’t learned how to talk about money. When the subject does come up it is often the result of a conflict or crisis. Open up a dialogue with your partner – remember they are your ally not your enemy. You don’t have to agree on all your goals, but you do have to acknowledge and appreciate your loved one’s dreams and aspirations. Hopefully you will have some common goals, like retirement, but your individual goals are just as important to your emotional and financial health.
2. Build a financial plan around your goals: The process gives you a lot to talk about and the plan itself will guide you both down the same path. The key to a good to a good marriage, I am told, is communication and communicating clearly about your current financial situation and your plans for the future is an integral part of that dialogue.
3. Spend and save your money to consistently support you both: That means you know, and agree to, how much money is for things that you both need (heat for instance), how much is for common goals (travel and retirement), and how much you each can use for your individual goals (singing lessons or a new TV).
4. Stage your goals: You can’t do everything at once. If you only have $200 to put towards your goals each month, you may choose to allocate it all to one goal. Choosing to achieve one thing before another is ok as long as you both know when your turn will come, and you both work to stick to the plan.
5. Be a friend, don’t overspend: Don’t deprive your spouse by overspending or going into debt. If one person overdoes it, the other has less financial support to do what they want. And keep in mind, no one likes telling their spouse they shouldn’t have or do something – so don’t rely on your spouse to tell you when to stop spending – it just isn’t nice.
6. Don’t hide spending, savings, or feelings: A strong relationship is based on trust and open communication. You may not approach money the same way, but you can learn how your partner thinks about money by listening, and you can help them learn what matters to you by sharing. Talk. Build your trust, and your net worth, together.

Here two practical tips that I recommend for every couple — and that my partner, David and I have also agreed upon:

Tip Number One: I generally recommend putting both paycheques into a joint bank account to cover all major expenses such as rent or mortgage payments, monthly bills, retirement savings, holiday fund etc. Each partner then gets a personal “allowance” to spend as they want — for coffee, clothes, hair, sports gear, hobby or tech toys etc. As long as each partner stays within their limits they can spend this money on whatever they want – no questions asked. The rest stays in the joint account for joint bills and goals.

Tip Number Two: (Especially important in times of economic change or uncertainty.): Deal with your debts. There is likely no greater issue that divides couples than this issue. Attitudes vary widely on this issue and by the time people realize they have a problem the stress levels have already reached a crisis point. The result is often denial, feeling guilty or blaming our partner, fear, anger or resentment, or compounding the problem with bad decisions or band aid solutions. My advice – stop the craziness and seek help.

This is where my many years of experience can help you avert a crisis or help you through the crisis if you’re already in the thick of it. I can also help you establish a healthy financial relationship with your partner – aka, your friend and ally. Check out Sheila’s Debt-Free Challenge for more details, or sign up here. – Sheila Walkington